


Perfection

by xBreeButterflyx



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anorexia, Body Image, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Hair Loss, Heavy Angst, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 21:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21088088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xBreeButterflyx/pseuds/xBreeButterflyx
Summary: When Alec arrives home from a six month long business trip for the Clave, Magnus can tell something is wrong with him. But he doesn't realize just how serious it is until Alec ends up lying in the infirmary a few weeks later.





	Perfection

**Eight ** **Months Earlier...**

_"Magnus must be filling you up good over there, huh?" _

_Alec was caught off guard by the question. He'd been on his way down to the ops center to prep one of his teams for an upcoming mission, when Jace's question stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned to face his brother, who was leaning back casually against one of the railings of the platforms_ _. Like he didn't have about a million other things to do (which he very much did). But Alec couldn't find it within himself to be too annoyed with his parabatai at that moment. Jace's bizarre question took up too much of his attention for it_ _. _

_"What?" _

_Jace tilted his head and made a vague, half-hearted gesture at Alec. "Well, I just noticed. You're starting to fill out a bit. I'm kind of jealous, actually. Magnus must be able to summon all kinds of amazing food from all over the place."_

_There was no mirth in his brother's tone, only praise and a hint of envy. But for some reason, Alec's chest grew heavy and he had to swallow around a giant lump in his throat. He felt as if he'd just been insulted. Alec knew, of course he knew, that Jace hadn't meant to hurt him with that comment. He'd only been trying to make casual conversation. Even with that knowledge in mind, it didn't stop Alec from feeling like he'd been punched in the gut. _

_Alec forced a small smile and waved him off. "Yeah, sure. I'll catch up with you later," he replied before scurrying off down into the ops center to prep the team he was preparing to send off. _

_Several hours later, after the mission had went off without a hitch and Alec found himself locked up inside his office filling out the daily mission reports, that conversation he'd had with Jace this afternoon lingered in the forefront of his mind. Despite the numerous words of praise and appreciation Jace had given him, only one phrase kept repeating itself inside his mind. _

_'Starting to fill out'. _

_As much as Alec wanted to deny it, he knew exactly why that part was sticking out at him. All of his life, everyone around him drilled it into his mind that nothing less than perfection would ever be acceptable. Alec had to be perfect at his job, his conversations with important leaders of the Clave, he had to perfect his knowledge of the shadow world, his battle techniques, his archery skills, his mind..._

_...his body. _

_Since becoming Head of the Institute, Alec had become a lot less active in the field, thus the need for training had also diminished. He still trained every now and again, but not like he used to. He was usually far too busy with paperwork and keeping all of his shadowhunters in line to make time for it. Alec looked down at the half-finished mission reports on his desk. Once he finished them, it would probably be close to eight o'clock; and he always went home to have dinner with Magnus and spend whatever was left of the evening that he could with the warlock before going to bed. _

_Alec hurriedly flew through the reports and shoved them off to the side. With one glance down at the way his stomach stuck out slightly over his belt buckle he immediately rushed out of the office and in the direction of the training room. _

**Present Day...**

"Oh shutup, Viola, your daughter did not say that," Magnus huffed as he scrolled across a random post on his facebook newsfeed.

He was eagerly awaiting Alec's arrival home, and had been doing every possible thing he could think of today to distract himself from the time and make it go by quicker. It had felt like an eternity since he'd last seen his favorite little blue-eyed shadowhunter. In all reality, it had just been a little over six months, but that was more than long enough in Magnus' humble opinion.

The downworlder cabinet had finally been approved to be implemented in about a dozen other institutes around the world, and Alec had been put in charge of setting them up and seeing to it that their first couple of meetings ran smoothly. He'd been far too busy to come back home and visit with all of the work he'd been assigned with at the other institutes by the Clave. But Magnus could tell he was excited that his cabinet was finally kicking off, so he didn't have the heart to complain to him about the long absence. Magnus was a four hundred year old warlock, dammit. He could handle being on his own for a little while.

He was pulled out of his wandering thoughts by the click of a lock and the sound of his front door opening. Magnus sprung up off the sofa, tossing the phone haphazardly over his shoulder, and made a beeline for the door. The warlock was grinning from ear to ear, unable to contain his overwhelming feelings of excitement at finally having his boyfriend home after so long of going without him.

His smile dropped the moment Alec stepped through the threshold.

The shadowhunter looked... Drained. Alec's shoulders were hunched, his body moving in such a way that it seemed to be weighed down by a ton of bricks. Magnus' heart broke in two when he noticed the way Alec's eyes were sunken, darkly rimmed beneath those goregous pair of bottle blues he loved so much. His poor boy was so exausted it was heartbreaking. Magnus hurried over to his boyfriend and began to fret, checking his temperature and making sure he wasn't injured in any kind of way with his magic.

Alec gently shoved him away. "Magnus... I'm fine," he sighed, throwing his jacket off and slinging it over the coat rack as he set off in the direction of the bedroom.

Magnus was stunned by Alec's dismissive tone. It had been over six months since they'd seen each other face to face. It wasn't like Magnus had been expecting the shadowhunter to jump into his arms and squeeze his head clean off, but he'd certainly expected more of a greeting than this. Maybe a few hugs and kisses, but not this cold, isolated behavior he was receiving. It was nerve-wracking. This wasn't his Alexander.

"Darling are you... Sure? That you're feeling alright? Your eyes are-"

"I said I'm fine, Magnus! I'm just tired," he snapped.

Magnus' mouth dropped open. He was at a complete loss for words. Something must've happened in London. That was his last cabinet to implement. Magnus had talked to him on the phone when he was in Brazil, and everything had seemed fine. Maybe the meetings hadn't gone well there, and Alec had taken the heat for it from the Clave. That was probably it. It was understandable why he'd be irritable. Magnus probably would be too.

The warlock followed his boyfriend into the bedroom. He approached him cautiously, and wrapped his arms around him in greeting. Alec seemed to relax at the gesture and returned the embrace. It felt nice to hold the other after so many months of going without his touch. Magnus' eyebrows furrowed as he felt the bulky way Alec's clothing rested against his torso. He chuckled softly against his shoulder.

"Baby, how many shirts are you wearing?" He asked, poking teasingly at the hunter's side.

Alec jerked back from his hold as if Magnus had burned him. His eyes were wide and panicked, which only served to confuse Magnus even further. Alec wrapped his arms around himself and took off in the direction of the bathroom.

"I'm just really cold," he muttered under his breath as he slammed the door closed behind him.

"O-okay..." Magnus replied, mentally scratching his ass at his boyfriend's behavior. It was a little odd... But he'd probably had a really long day. A little rest would do him some good. His darling shadowhunter would be feeling much better by morning.

Only, Alec never got better.

About a week had passed since he'd arrived home from London, and he was still in pretty much the same state as the night he'd come back. He was still nervous and fidgity when Magnus would touch him, the skin beneath his eyes were still dark and sunken, and he was still keen on wearing several layers of clothing for some reason unbeknownst to him. The entire ordeal was worrying Magnus sick. Maybe Alec was ill. It wasn't common for shadowhunters to catch mundane illnesses, but it still happened. It actually made a lot of sense. Alec had traveled to a lot of places over the past few months. Places that his body's immune system wasn't accustomed to. Maybe he'd caught something while he was away.

"Let me call Catarina. She can check you over and see if you've come down with something," Magnus pleaded.

Alec shook his head, arms crossed defiantly from where he was seated on the sofa in the living room watching mundane television. "No, Magnus. I can just go get checked out in the infirmary tomorrow morning before I go in for work."

Magnus sighed. "Promise?"

Alec's eyes grew dark. "P-promise," he stuttered.

Magnus never noticed the two fingers Alec had crossed behind his back.

The next morning, a few hours after Alec had set off for the Institute, Magnus found himself alone at the loft once again. He was belting out Lizzo's world famous 'Truth Hurts' lyrics as he scrubbed his sandalwood shampoo all throughout his scalp in the shower. Once he finished with his bathing routine, he shut off the scalding hot water and toweled off with the towel he'd set out before he'd stepped inside. Just as he was about to step into his boxer briefs, something interesting caught his attention out of the corner of his eye.

In the trashcan, there was a ton of seemingly unused toilet paper wadded up and thrown inside. Magnus frowned and walked over to the can, plucking the paper up and setting it onto the counter next to the sink. When he turned his attention back to the trash can, his heart dropped.

Inside the can was a large dark clump of hair. Magnus gasped, his eyes widening as he plucked up the clump and inspected it. It was Alec's hair, alright. The color and texture was unmistakable. Magnus swallowed back a lump in his throat. Why would Alec be losing his hair? He was only 24. Not near old enough to be balding yet. Maybe it had something to do with the sickness Magnus suspected he'd come down with. His breath caught in his throat as he assumed the worst. If Alec was losing hair, it had to be something serious. What if treatment couldn't help him? What if Alec was going to die and there was nothing that Magnus could do to stop it?

Magnus clamped down on those thoughts immediately. There was no sense in sending himself into panic before he even knew what was happening. He could be completely wrong. Lilith, he hoped he was.

When Alec arrived home that evening, looking far more drained after a day of work than was typically warranted, Magnus asked him about what he'd found in the trash can. The shadowhunter schooled his expression into one of indifference, telling Magnus that he'd ended up getting a huge knot in his hair during the night and had to yank it out. While that didn't explain why he wadded the paper up and dropped it in the can, it was enough to put Magnus' worries to rest.

Looking back on it now, he supposed he just desperately wanted to believe that Alec was okay. That his husband was perfectly healthy and safe and that he wouldn't have to ponder with the possibility of losing Alexander at such a ripe age. Looking back on it, he wanted to punch himself in the face. For not seeing the signs for what they were, for not piecing together the puzzle pieces and looking at the bigger picture.

Now he was, though. He hadn't any other choice as he stared down at his unconscious husband, sprawled out in one of the cots in the Institute's infirmary as Isabelle fretted over him from the other side of the bed. Alec and Jace had been doing some light training when it happened, when Alec suddenly got really whoozy and passed out right in the middle of a sparring match. Jace had scooped him up and rushed him in here, calling for Isabelle to tend to him and figure out just what had happened.

Magnus suspected he knew what was going on. The evidence didn't lie. He just needed one last piece of information to put the nail in the coffin.

"Isabelle?"

She glanced up, only briefly, in acknowledgment, as she drew Alec's blood for a screening. "Yeah?"

"Has Alexander been eating here?" He asked, pulling his lip between his teeth, nervously awaiting the answer he already knew he was going to receive.

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What? No? He said he was eating at home when I asked him why he stopped eating breakfast here."

Magnus' heart sunk in his chest. So it was true. Alec had told him the same thing, when he'd asked him why he was skipping out on dinner every night when he'd come home. He said that he was getting hungry sooner than usual, so he was eating at the Institute instead. 

"Oh, Alexander," Magnus murmured sadly as he reached out and took his husband's hand in his own, gently rubbing his thumb across his smooth, pale skin. 

Isabelle, having pieced together the puzzle herself from Magnus' line of questioning, reached down and yanked Alec's bundle of shirts up to his collarbone. And what they both saw underneath stunned them both into total silence. Alec's ribs were visible beneath his skin, poking out grotesquely at them like a vicious taunt of what they all had missed so liberally. Magnus felt tears well up in his eyes, and had to tear his eyes away, unable to look at it any longer.

"His- his ribs-"

"Anorexia; an eating disorder. It's why he fainted during training today. He hasn't been eating, Isabelle. Probably not for awhile," Magnus whispered.

Isabelle wrapped her arms around herself, trying to protect her heart against the impact of Magnus' words. "He... He's been... I'm sorry, I can't," she sniffed, ducking her head and rushing off down to the lab to run the vials of blood she'd collected from her brother moments earlier.

She didn't come back. So there Magnus sat for the next few hours, holding his husband's hand as he rested and contemplating how they needed to go forward from here. He had to confront Alec with his problem, that much was apparent. But he had no idea how to do so without making him immediately go on the defense and deflect everything he said. Alec had to want help, he couldn't force him, despite how much he wanted to, to accept it.

He had no idea how he could convince him, but all he knew was that he would. It didn't matter how long it took. If it was today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. Magnus would fight for Alexander and do everything he possibly could to help Alec save himself from this horrible disease. He loved him with all of his heart, and would be damned if he let him go before his time. No matter what happened, Magnus knew that they'd make it through this.

That Alec would make it through this.


End file.
